Appi ! Mida teha ? Ragne hakkas rahvuslaseks !

Mida nüüd küll teha ? Tavaliselt leian ma alati lahenduse filosoofilisest mõtteterast ”mida teha, mida teha – tuleb kinnitada keha”, kuid nüüd olen juba palju söönud, aga lahendust pole ikka leidnud.

Aga alustagem algusest. Ragne on töötu ja nüüd on tal palju vaba aega. Niisiis ta poiss-sõber Lauri kutsuski Ragne teisipäeval (24. märtsil) Eesti ajaloo muuseumis toimunud konverentsile nimega “Uuemaid aspekte märtsiküüditamise uurimisest”. See oli Lauri poolt muidugi väga suur viga, sest Ragne muutus pärast seda rahvuslaseks.

Minuni on seal toimunust jõudnud väga vähe teavet. Tean vaid seda, et mingid suurte silmadega vanurid ja nn “ajaloolased” olid ümber Ragne ja rääkisid talle palju lugusi eesti ajaloost. Minule tundus too olukord mingi vanema õudusfilmi sarnast, kus aeglaselt likuvad zombid ründavad toredat tüdrukut. Night of the living dead, vms. Ragne on muidugi väga lihtsameelne tüdruk ja ta võttis kõik tõe pähe nägemata Suurt Pilti.

Nüüd me ei saa enam üldse läbi. Näiteks ütles ta mulle, et vabadussõda oli vajalik ja ilma selleta ei oleks eesti vaba. Selline rahvuslase möga ! !MITTE ÜKSKI SÕDA EI OLE ÕIGUSTATUD !!”, röökisin talle paremasse kõrva oma juhtmõtte, endal nägu rahulik ja kindel nagu kuskil magalarajoonis oleva akrediteerimata ülikooli lektoril, kelle iga sõna kirjutavad noored tudengineiud ülesse ja kasutavad hiljem päriselus argumendina, kusjuures üles kirjutamise kiiruse ja mahu korrutis on pöörvõrdelises seoses nende aju kapatsiteediga. “Mitte ükski sõda ei ole õigusatud”, kordasin taas ja võtsin ta väikese peanupu oma käte vahele ja silitasin õrnalt. “Tuleb lihtsalt mõista vastaspoolt ja teha niipalju järeleandmisi kui vastaspool tahab, siis ei tulegi sõda. Nii oleks pidanud talitlema ka 1918. aastal”, õpetasin Ragnet. Ragne vihastas ja tõmbas oma pea välja mu kaisust, jooksis ära. Eks Ragnel on nüüd palju mõtlemist, mis poole ta valib – see on selline  noore  inimese elu-valikute etapp, mis parata.

Mina igatahes ei loobu võitlusest. Kogun siin just Anders Härmi artikleid ja kui tõesti olukord väga hull on, peab Ragne viima Anders Härmi enda juurde - et ta lõpuks tüdrukule mõistuse pähe paneks! Oehh.

Ragne naljanurk

Tõlkisin oma lemmikud naljad inglise keelde ja jagan neid teiega:

 

John loved fishing. One day he got news about this absolutely fantastic fishing spot which was a small lake in a forest, where the fish are pretty much begging for someone to catch them.

He couldn’t wait for the weekend so he got someone to cover for him at work, took a day off, set his alarm clock for 4.00 am because the place was quite far away and finally his big day came.

After a long journey he managed to find the little lake in the forest, he set his rods up and started waiting.

He waited for the first hour, then second, then the next and then some more, and finally the hook on one of his fishing rods moved.

All excited John pulled it out of the water just to find a large faeces stuck to the hook.

He cursed badly and then noticed a local man standing behind him.

‘Would you look at that’ disappointed John said to the man – ‘So much driving, waiting and effort and for what? A piece of crap.’

The local man replied:

You know what, there’s an old legend about this lake. Before the first world war a young couple lived nearby and they were madly in love with each other. But he was drawn into the army and had to go and fight. After some time the girl got news about her lover having died at war, and her grief was so big that she couldn’t stand living alone anymore, so she came to this lake and drowned herself…

‘Unbelievable.’ – said John.

‘But it’s not the end of it you see!’ exclaimed the local – ‘As it turns out her boyfriend was alive, only badly hurt but he survived. After returning here he learnt about what has happened and so he came to this very place you sit in now, and he ended his life too!’

‘That’s one very sad and shocking story’ John replied – ‘but still, what’s with the faeces?’

‘Well I dunno, must be someone took a shite in here’

………………………………..

Two beekeepers get into conversation at a beekeeping conference.
“Ive got 5000 bees, and ten hives,” says the first. “How about you?”
“I’ve got 1 hive and 2,000,000, bees.”
“1 hive and two million bees?!?!?”
“Yeah f**k ‘em, they’re only bees.”

…………………………………………

A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk

So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: “Hey, you’re single, aren’t you?”

The man is astonished. “Wow, that’s incredible. How did you know that?”

“You’re ugly.”

……………………………………

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

…………………………………. 

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

……………………………………

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

…………………………………..

A duck walks into a bar…

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.

………………………………….

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. One says ‘Oh, I’ve never come this way before.’ The other says, ‘I’m not surprised, there’s diversions on our usual route due to roadworks.’

……………………………..

Saw this coloured fella the other day with a parrot on his shoulder. i says, “where’d you get that?” and the fella says “the pet shop up the road.”

…………………………….

Knock, Knock

Who’s There?

Doctor

Doctor who?

It’s doctor Samuels, I have some unfortunate news about your son.

……………………………………

Q: What did the rug say to the carpet?

A: Nothing, neither can talk. If they could talk, hypothetically, they would probably talk about the state of our nation and how to improve things.

……………………………………..

Man 1: Knock, Knock

Man 2: Who’s there?

Man 1: It’s me Johnny.

Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.

……………………………………..

How do you call a black man playing the piano ?

A pianist

……………………………………………

 
What’s long, hard and full of seamen ?

A Submarine

…………………………………………….

Two flies are sitting on a turd …

… they were attracted by the smell of the faeces and will use the warm environment to lay eggs.

………………………………….

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag.

………………………………………

Q: So you’re walking down the beach when a bicycle falls out of your pocket. How many potatoes does it take to make a pancake?
A: About a fish this color. (hold up hands in a manner that would indicate size)

……………………………….

I was walking down the street the other day when this bum comes up to me and says he hasn’t had a bite in three days.

So I stabbed him.

……………………………………..

Q: Why was six afraid of seven?
A: It wasn’t. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

…………………………………….

Ask me if I’m an orange.
Are you an orange?
No.

……………………………………

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

……………………………………….

How do you make a sausage roll ?
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
Ingredients
375g/13oz bought ready-rolled puff pastry
about 2 tbsp either chutney of your choice, cranberry sauce, mustard, pickle, apple sauce, pesto, sun-dried tomato paste or red onion jam
5 good-quality thick pork sausages
1 small egg, beaten

Method
1. Preheat the oven to 200C/400F/Gas 6.
2. Cut the pastry into 10 rectangles, about 7×10cm/2¾x4in, and place a small spoonful of your chosen filling into the middle of each one.
3. Cut the sausages in half, making 10 smaller sausages, and then peel away the skins. Lay the sausages on top of the filling on the pastry rectangles. Roll the pastry over the sausage, brushing the join with the beaten egg to seal. Place on a greased baking sheet, sealed-side down, and brush them with the egg to give a nice shiny glaze when cooked.
4. Cook in the oven for 20 minutes until golden and crispy, and eat as soon as they are cool enough or leave to cool completely on a wire rack.

Tip:
Try experimenting with some of the flavoured sausages available now, and spread the pastry with a complementary filling.

Kriisi-aja keelendid

“Ma ütlen teile ainult ühe märksõna – solidaarsus”, ütles Kanal 2´es Eesti iseseisvuspäeval Märt Rask. “Solidaarsus” on kindlasti üks uuema aja uhkemaid sõnu. Kahtlemata on ka  ”innovatsioon” viimase aasta popimaid keelendeid. Nendest ei jää palju alla “populism“. Uustulnukana on end keele- Knessetis kinnistanud “haldusreform“.

Esimesed kaks on muideks positiivsed sõnad, populism on seevastu aga negatiivne.  Haldusreform on elitaarne sõna, mida tavainimestel polegi mõtet kasutada, selleks pead sa olema vähemalt PhD, Stephen Hawking või Eesti Päevalehe kolumnist või suvaline segu kõigest kolmest. Nimelt on “haldusreform” ambivalentne termin, mis keskerakonna sõnavaras ei tähenda sama, mis IRL´i keeles ja seetõttu võib seda kasutada ainult omal riisikol.

Alles see oli kui uhked sotiaalteadlased õpetasid Eesti rahvale, et Belgia riigi lagunemisest tuleb õppida – eestlased peavad õppima ära vene keele – nii suureneb ühiskonna sidusus. Ma olen poolel teel keele õppimisel ja juba oskan kirjutada sõna “blogodarju”.

Aga mida teha rahval endal ? Ei pea lugema Sirpi (eriti kui ta maksab 18 krooni), et aru saada – ühiskonna sidusust mõjutab kõige rohkem keel ise ! Keel on sidus nagu ehituskört, teda on palju nagu tolmu, keelt tuleb lihtsalt õigesti rakendada kriisist välja tulemisel. Uued kriisi-aja keelendid aitavad meil üle saada kriisist endast !! See on see keele-maagia, “mantra”, millest on niipalju rääkinud Edgar Savisaar. Kui kasutame sõna “solidaarsus”, siis me tekitame ainult sellest rääkimisel juurde uut solidaarsust. Samamoodi on ka teiste sõnadega – kui hoiatame üksteist igapäevastes elu situatsioonides populismi eest, kahaneb populism silmmärgatavalt. 

Andke mulle tugipunkt ja ma nihutan Maakera paigast, ütles Archimedes. Andke meile käputäis õigeid keelendeid ja me muudame ülemaailmse majanduskriisi kulgu, peaksime ütlema meie.

Integratsioon pildis